HAS ANYBODY SEEN THIS WAVE?

WANTED! KILLER WAVE! DO NOT APPROACH! VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS! ALERT NAVAL FORCES IMMEDIATELY!

Today Nicki and i took Christian for a long walk along the prominade. It was a beautiful day, we were chatting while Christian was running along full of energy, panoramic ocean on the left of us, majestic mountain on the right, more perfect conditions have not yet been created by the Universe.

As we walked i was keeping an eye out for an apartment block that i had to go see later for my Dad. i spotted the building and called him to tell him what it looked like from the outside. Nicki was busy putting Christian's hat on. i finished my call and Nicki was giving Christian's hat it's final tweak when, from out of nowhere, we were TAKEN OUT from behind by a rogue killer wave!

We were instantly drenched! Nicki's handbag was soaked right through to the notes inside her wallet. We were stunned, bewildered, in shock, trying to make sense what had just happened. Our assailant had vanished without a trace, like it was never there.

When it finally sunk in that we had been assaulted by the OCEAN, we started to laugh. But it was more like panic-laughter as opposed to funny-ha-ha.

This whole ordeal took about three seconds. But in EXTREME slow motion.

Later over lunch we replayed the incident from all the onlooker's point of view. There we were, not realising that we were in fact standing in the ONLY WET SPOT on the ENTIRE prominade, avoided by EVERYONE ELSE except us. Not only were we walking though the Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, but we had paused in the middle of it to take in the view and make a few phone calls. The surrounding crowd had obviously seen this, but were too nervous to come over and warn us so they just sat there, frozen, waiting for the inevitable. Which indeed arrived shortly.

Anyhow we made our way back home, Nicki left and it was immediately time for me to start walking BACK to see that apartment. As i retraced our steps my mind started to wander back to that dirty, blood-thirsty, mugger of an ocean that had assaulted us without cause. It should at least get a suspended sentence for attempted murder. And sued for psychological trauma. It looked so beautiful and friendly. Like ice wouldn't melt in its mouth. Who would've thought that it could just turn on us like that? Without warning it struck us while our backs were turned, i mean how unfair is that? But i suppose a cold-blooded killer doesn't care about rules. By the time i approached the scene of the CRIME, i suddenly had images from the audience's perspective race through my brain like a slide show!

i started to laugh. People started to look back at me as they walked. i laughed more. i felt embarrassed. i tried to straighten out my face. i failed. The harder and harder i tried the harder and harder i laughed. Everybody that walked past me now was stopping dead in the middle of their conversations and turning around to stare at this delirious, staggering, imbecile, swerving and stumbling down the prominade. Thank heavens the estate agent called to cancel because who could've taken me seriously in a condition like that? i made my way back along that prominade falling into my steps in a fit of uncontrollable hysteria, my coolness being erased further and further every time my feet hit the ground. i felt totally helpless, out of control, held to ransom by my own laughter. i was eventually laughing without a smile on my face, i think it may have changed into a look of panic. It was a freaky situation i had found myself trapped in.

So, for all of you out there with an image to protect and decide to show it off to the world by walking by the seaside, be warned. The ocean can turn on you just like that, take you from behind, mug you and steal all your coolness. In an nano-second. And disappear into thin, well water. Like a ghost in the night.

I think we should appeal to the Coast Guard, the Navy, Air and Sea Rescue, Lifeguards, Navy seals, and whoever else we can think of, throw a fit and scream: "WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THEIR A'S INTO G AND ARREST THAT GODDAM WAVE!".

If not just for us but for the sake of PUBLIC SAFETY for heaven's sake.

P.S. SANDY'S TIP FOR THE DAY: If you find yourself being held captive by your own laughter, stop, give into it, have a good laugh and get it overwith. Resistance just prolongs and amplifies the situation by about A MILLION PERCENT.