WARNING! WARNING! BWAA BWAA BWAA! DECLARING STATE OF EMERGENCY! BWAA! BWAA! BWAA! DEFCON ONE! DEFCON ONE! BWAA! BWAA! BWAA! EVACUATE BUILDING AND PROCEED TO FALLOUT SHELTER! BWAA! BWAA! BWAA! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! BWAA! BWAA! BWAA!BLAM!!!!
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system failure - system failure - system failure - system failure - system failure -
Sandy, today i am going to write a you check-list from YOU to yourSELF so that you can head off a mental-meltdown before you make your way into the fallout-shelter and NEVER RESURFACE - you don't have to read this, but you CAN if you've seen your behavior descend into a NOSE-DIVE and you get a sinking feeling by just LOOKING in your own DIRECTION.
HAZARD SIGNS:
WARNING 18) people who's crap you normally laugh off make you want to terminate the relationship. strike that, make you want to terminate THEM (this, on the positive side, is a very useful method for separating your A-List from your Shit-List. hold yourself back. but take notes.).
WARNING 17) botox-like paralysis of facial muscles that form a smile. this filters through your entire sense-of-humor faculty. Chris Rock's an idiot.
WARNING 16) heightened sensitivity, especially to noise and light (will that light beam please SHUT THE FUCK UP!).
WARNING 15) exhaustion. like you've over-trained. you have not over-trained. caution: DO NOT SKIP GYM!
WARNING 14) you wake up later and later with an ever-increasing hangover (you don't drink). you've got flu (you do not have flu).
WARNING 13) you're weak at gym. no matter WHAT chemical-Vic-Alley-concocted remedy you ingest to counter-act your wariness, it won't work. caution: DO NOT SKIP GYM!
WARNING 12) you look fat and ugly in the mirror so you feel unworthy of your cool clothes (if the clothes fit WEAR THEM). this makes you feel UNhot, UNsexy, UNbold, UNbrave, UNsure, UNdefiant and UNconfident (THIS is very VERY damaging).
WARNING 11) your food battles to digest. because of this, every calorie that touches your lips is one calorie too many. three words of advice here: STAY. ON. DIET.
WARNING 10) you feel out of control, unable to trust yourself. even with simple things. like tossing a salad (operation of dangerous machinery would therefore be a mistake). even mundane conversation is stressful (say what you have to, even if it sounds retarded).
WARNING 9) you start experiencing Altzheimers-level forgetfulness and disorientation (this is very frustrating. make lists).
WARNING 8) your knuckle-dragging posture is strenuous to correct. your back - and any other old injuries - return to laugh at you. you are not amused.
WARNING 7) you can't focus or concentrate. so doing everyday stuff - like writing this essay - become IMPOSSIBLE to manage. you therefore suffer stress, guilt and self-loathing. do them anyway. even if the results are imbecilic.
WARNING 6) you watch your IQ plummet, like a person watching the numbers in a lift as they approach ground floor.
DEFCON 5) you feel claustrophobic around people AND when you're alone (ugh stop FOLLOWING ME annoying shadow!).
DEFCON 4) this makes you irritable, intolerant, rude, impatient (not a big departure from your normal behavior but YOU'LL know).
DEFCON 3) you start having freaky hallucinations and start hearing voices. this is STILL scary no matter HOW well you recognise what's going on. whaaat? who said that...
DEFCON 2) ALL OF THIS drives you into the safety of the fallout-shelter, with its big red phone which dials only one number... "hello Raymond? i think i'm not okay..."
DEFCON 1) alright, there IS another level, you know what it is but you will NEVER allow yourself to go there again. EVER. so i'm not going to even SAY it here because it's too depressing to even TYPE.
that blast you heard was the detonation of extremely hardcore chemical weaponry. that will raze any resistance to the ground. innocent bystanders included. the collateral damage is immense. but it's worth it. the unleashing of the big guns is THE.ONLY.WAY (double dose Concerta 54mg. keep a hand-written script).
in the silence of the aftermath, you feel like dark-matter in deep space, a non-self, an anti-sandy. you'd feel bruised and beaten if you only weren't so NUMB, but you ARE so you just drift along with the current, like debris in the ocean after a cyclone. your personality goes away on a drinking-holiday for a week while its house is being rebuilt. it needs to recharge because it's DRAINED from making up jokes like, "what color is the sky when you're looking down from a ten story building? answer: who cares". your personality will start to deliberate on its feelings of JEALOUSY for the life everybody THINKS it's leading.
bzzt z z blip blip beeeeep crackle crackle EMERGENCY POWER HAS BEEN RESTORED. IT IS SAFE TO EXIT SHELTER. bleeeep
[gasp SO DEEP i almost inhale my own teeth, tongue and lips]
whoah THAT was a SUPER-kak exercise, THANK GOD it was only a dry run. stand down troupes.
now Sandy, if you actually have enough interest to READ this next time there's a blip on your radar, and you can put a tick next to more than FIVE of these alerts you WILL phone Raymond. IMMEDIATELY. and not sit there and wonder 'could this be....' because it IS! alert the armed forces. dumb-ass. have you learned nothing?!
you'd better watch it Sandy-girl, one day your personality will get BORED and STAY on vacation. and it'll be JUSTIFIED because who deserves to live on the silent toxic wasteland that was Chernobyl?
FYI, DEFCON is a measure of the activation and readiness of the United States Armed Forces. DEFCONS are matched to the severity of a military situation. standard peacetime is DEFCON 5, descending in increasingly severe situations. DEFCON 1 refers to maximum readiness. it is not certain whether this has ever been used. but in my case, it has.
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