whatthefuckEVER BUDDY!

'Fuck Buddies'. have you ever considered this ridiculously harebrained concept? it was probably dreamed up by a retarded downs-syndrome junkie on crystal-meth during his third night without sleep. because it sure as hell hasn't been thought through by anyone of sound mind. so, for all you guys out there who still imagine the 'Fuck Buddy' arrangement to be one of the greatest ideas since the clip-on tie, i, Sandy Green, will now think it through FOR you.

okay, so you feel like having sex with somebody cool but you don't want commitment, so you are presented with two alternatives:

1) go to the Autobank and proceed to Mavericks.
2) make an arrangement with someone you already KNOW that involves you and her having sex whenever you feel like it, as buddies, with no strings attached.

you select option '2' without giving your neurons enough time to fire, neglecting to consider the following set of 'given's':

2a) your strings are ALREADY attached because you KNOW one another.
b) your strings from this point onwards will tangle themselves into a knot SO COMPLICATED that the task of unravelling it will appear SO DAUNTING that you'll just want to grab the nearest set of scissors and cut it off, burn it and start over with a fresh ball.
c) you will regret having LOST that person because they were indeed cool and engaging to be around, or you would never have suggested having sex with them in the FIRST place.

allow me to paint a picture for you from MY perspective - there i am standing in a bar with all of my friends and, who should saunter through the door but my 'Fuck Buddy'. with his new girlfriend [sharp intake of air]. i feel my blood drain from my extremities. my knuckles burst through my skin one by one like popcorn kernels in a microwave, while my fingernails dig SO DEEP into my palms that they tear through the back of my hand, my wisdom teeth turn to powder in a single jaw-grind, i start to SMELL my optic nerve burning from visual overload and i...

...

who... what... where am i? sorry, i must've blacked out there for a second. cross-check. i can feel my legs, fingers, blink, speak. right now where was i? oh yes THERE. zheesh. now name me a person you know that could've handled THAT situation with accepting calmness and peace? psychopaths and sociopaths included. i think Saddam Hussein would probably have ordered HIS Fuck Buddy straight to the hanging noose for that. and even THEN he would've sobbed tears of betrayal into his pillow that night when no-one was looking.

just scanning through these loose thoughts render the term 'Fuck Buddy' as one of the biggest oxymoron's of ALL TIME, standing right up there shoulder to shoulder with GIANTS in this category like Act Naturally, Alone Together, Silent Scream, Sweet Sorrow and Crash Landing.

so what do you do if you really want to have sex with a buddy? i'll tell you what you do. you gather yourself together, take a deep breath and GO FOR IT! don't think of the future because it's going to happen SOON ENOUGH and in ways you could NEVER have anticipated anyway. repercussions there will be, but you can never know them. no matter how the situation presented itself in theory, the future will NEVER be that. so quit burning brain-power, all you can ever REALLY know is THIS VERY MOMENT. and look, that one's just turned into history...

and there'll be plenty of time to think about history in the FUTURE. live NOW.

now i know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'but what if it ends badly?' well, everything ends badly or else it wouldn't end. and EVERYTHING ends.

also, please spare me the flower-child philosophies like 'but i'm waiting for THE ONE', or 'soul-mates' [insert visual of me sticking forefinger down throat to tonsil level here], or 'fate'. these concepts are about as real as the man in the moon. prove them then i'll listen. but while i'm waiting for that forensic evidence to come in, random chaos reigns supreme down here. and if it doesn't then there's one helluva element of BADNESS out there which works very hard to balance out good.

it succeeds.

Derek: "ja but what goes around comes around..."

i say it's going to come around ANYWAY so get it out of your system and GO AROUND!

relationships should be simple. don't you think? i mean, why can't two buddies who enjoy each other's company, digging each other enough to want to spend time together, who think one another to be fuckable...

okaaay PAUSE GAME right here for a second. lets face it guys. NO-ONE'S going to spend time with, let alone have SEX with a Rozanne Barr look-a-like, sorry, even the most platonic of male/female relationships are not built on personality alone, "um, er, hi everyone, this is my friend Rozanne (sidebar - she's really clever with a great sense of humor)", i don't THINK SO! ain't gonna happen. i'm not saying that all your friends have to be Heidi Klum material but there HAS to be something attractive and engaging about them... go ahead, call me superficial, but so are you. everyone's shallow. deep down...

(FYI, to save you some energy, other people can secretly tell everything about the way you feel ANYWAYS so take a load off, relax, there's no use fighting it, surrender and be yourself.)

now don't get me wrong here puhleeeze, i'm CERTAINLY not suggesting that we all run out there and start having sex with our buddies! not at all! what i AM saying though is be AWARE of the dynamics involved in a male/female relationship and don't pretend they don't exist. once you've dealt with that it'll give you perspective and allow you to move forward with confidence. knowledge always keeps you on top of your game.

now where was i? oh yes, from MY corner it looks something like this: everybody knows that i'm RADICALLY AGAINST commitment and space-invasion and the responsibility - or should i rather say the BURDEN - of another person's happiness. so why can't guys develop some emotional maturity if they want to engage in a physical relationship with me, and LEAVE ME the way in which they FOUND ME? and not take it personally if i want to spend time on my own or with my friends? and accept that i like my apartment in a certain way - MY way? and never EVER suggest spending the night? without taking offense and becoming insecure about how i feel about them. and without having to go out there and FUCK AROUND because of all this! to spite me. or for whatever reason. THAT just stirs the Medieval atoms still coursing through my system from like, SIX CENTURIES AGO.

is this REALLY so hard to achieve? is that just asking TOO DAMN MUCH? isn't the freedom to be with someone you like half of the reason for you wanting them there in the FIRST PLACE? what ever happened to the 'if you love something set it free' premise? it never read 'if you love something squash it out of existence'. why can't relationships be more relaxed and trusting? hey? why can't they? give me ONE GOOD REASON. buddy...


(footnote: the woman at the top of the screen is Rozanne Barr. she's successful, funny, smart, wealthy, generous and ballsy with a BIG personality. but, to illustrate my point, i can't see any of you lying on Clifton 3 or sipping cappucino's at Vida with HER. can you?)