NO COFFEE IN CAPE TOWN

today i went to buy Derek and i a cuppa REAL coffee because we needed one. so i strolled up to TRIBE on what i'm sure were the last few steps i had left in my legs before they gave way beneath me. i fell inside the shop, dropped to my knees, grabbed the guy by his apron strings and begged the guy behind the counter for two coffees (not really but ALMOST).

me: two filter coffees please.

him: two Americanos?

me: two filter coffees please.

him: you mean two Americanos.

me: no i mean two filter coffees.

him: Americanos.

me (beginning to get irritated): no i mean two filter coffees. TWO. FILTER. COFFEES. PUHLEEEZE! sheesh (under my breathe)...

him: that's two Americanos. TWO AMERICANOS ON THE DOUBLE SHE SHA!!! (screaming to about 12 other guys who then started a performance reminiscent of Tom Cruise juggling bottles in an island bar from the movie Cocktail)

me: (pause) what are you doing?

him: two Americanos for you sista!!!

me: (pause) what are you doing?

him (ignoring me): flat white or black like me?

me: (pause) what are you doing?

him: flat white or black like me?

now FYI i KNEW what 'flat white' meant because Wendy's sister had told me on sunday but i was NOT going to let HIM know that i knew...

me (winding up with a long audible intake of air): look buddy, all i'm asking you for is two filter coffees with skim milk. soon if possible, do you think you can you do that?

him: we serve 2%.

me: 2% what?

him: 2% fat milk.

me (sigh and eye-roll): bring it on maaan just bring it on goddammit, whatever, BRING. IT. ON!!!

more Tom Cruise Cocktail-like action from the other 12 guys this time accompanied with war cries. the All Blacks should open a coffee shop in their off-season.

he finally presented me with my order. they looked like normal coffees to me.

me: what's this now?

him: two flat white Americanos.

me: what's in that?

him: filter coffee and milk.

me: YESSS!!!! I WIN! I MADE YOU SAY COFFEE, MADE YOU SAY IT, MADE YOU SAY IT!!!!! (sadly i was too tired to say this but i wish i HAD.)

as i wandered out with my two cups of COFFEE, i wondered what word they use for candarel or sugar. but i didn't have the endurance to stick around to find out.