SHE WAS AN INTERESTING GIRL WHO OVERDID ALMOST EVERYTHING...

i was surprised and confused when i woke up this morning. i groggily but quickly patted my body down like a cop frisking a drug dealer. and with all the stuff i took last night i might as well have been.

last night the wind reached Catrina-proportions. of course we don't mind when the Universe uses such extreme measures to take out the riff-raff. but the Universe must've been partying hard when it decided to raze the CT beachfront to the ground. the Universe is a mean drunk and should'nt be allowed near alcohol.

i decided to give gym a miss when my sister-in-law (who lives 7 stories up from me) told me that it took her like 20 minutes or something just to get to her car across the parking lot because she kept being attacked by the wind every time she took two nervous steps toward it. i pictured her looking like a woman in a movie who lives in the back alleys of the Bronx trying to get home after work. unfortunately the only way was via an alley where a gang of the most notoriously violent crack dealers lived. i pictured her at the entrance to this alley, poking only an eye on its stalk around the corner every few seconds waiting for a moment when they were sufficiantly distracted to either sneak or sprint past, dive into her front door and bolt it shut.

as i paced around my apartment i grew increasingly afraid, what with my windows struggling to stay in their frames and this huge building shuddering like Rocky Balboa in a title fight getting pounded into a bloody, swollen pulp, the viewer feeling every blow, before he drops to his knees - i was hanging onto the fact that he always comes back and wins after that.

"tv! that'll distract me!" i mistakenly thought because the only thing on the WHOLE OF DSTV (after the doccy on tonic immobility i told you about) was Adam Sandler in The Waterboy.

my neck started to spasm, my heart-rate was starting to hit terminal velocity. i'm telling you Tommy Lee would have to practice more to duplicate THAT beat.

so with every stone over turned i hit my drug drawer.

i took: one schedule 5 muscle relaxant.

i went to my computer to relay the shark doccy to you. the wind delivered an Tyson-like punch to the window right in front of me.

i took: another.

i went to my computer and looked for the Bee Gees song 'WE SHOULD BE DANCING' on Limewire. it only allowed me to download the ENTIRE 'Best Of' album (which took 45mins). WE SHOULD BE DANCING was not on there.

i took: two sleeping tablets.

lying on my bed waiting for something to kick in, some of the lyrics of a song i'd been trying to remember for AGES popped into my head! up i got! turned my computer back on and typed the sound-bite i'd recalled into Google and there it was! James Morrison UNDISCOVERED! i immediately went to Limewire and downloaded it. it only gave me half the song. i downloaded another version (which took twice as long) but there it was, I GOT IT!

but now i was too excited to sleep.

i took: a tranquilizer my psychiatrist said i could only use if i was told i was about to die and would rather be calm during the experience.

i don't remember much of what happened after that but i did wake up - albeit with a guilty/relieved feeling in my stomach - but hey, all's well that ends well right?

i took: two fat burners with two cups of coffee.

these have kicked in exactly now.

i feel like the doctors in the ER have just defribulated my heart.

i'd better go to gym.

but before i go, just think what would've happened if i DID'NT wake up this morning. i would've had to have had a funeral. and what would be said about me THERE?!

"Here lies Sandy Green, an interesting girl who lived by the motto: IF ITS WORTH DOING, IT'S WORTH OVERDOING...". tsk, tsk. learn from this example my children...