100-0 in 12hrs!

i know that sounds like super-slow breaking power by Car Magazine standards, but when it comes to getting over a man i think that sets a new record of some kind. in fact somebody should call Guiness.

the only way to forget a man any faster than me, would be to receive a whack on the side of the head SO HARD that you'd suffer instant and total amnesia.

i manage to deconstruct all those intense feelings i felt in a fraction of a fraction of the time it took for me to make them.

how is this volatile reversal of emotions possible? how on earth am i able to do this amazing thing?!

i know how. it's a gift. that's right, a gift! from God. you know how some people can remember all the numbers in a telephone directory? well i can do the same thing with men. only in reverse.

i'm not sure how this came about, but i think that this is what happened: when i was on the Heavenly conveyor-belt being created, the Divine Being that was assembling me decided to try a little experiment and stuck a modifying microchip switch into my brain. this chip works in exactly the same way as the chip in a sports car does to make it go faster. i have included a picture of what it looks like, the D2 stands for 'deceleration squared'.

i call it my "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOT" switch, but it's spoken like one word, " iloveyouiloveyounot". because it works really REALLY FAST!

the 'iloveyouiloveyounot' switch is located right in between the areas in my brain that are responsible for my boredom levels and attention span, heavily affecting them as well.

hey, here's another theory: maybe i don't have a Divine Microchip Switch after all, maybe my attention span is SO LOW and my boredom factor SO HIGH that they cancel each other and so erase my memory.

whatever, the fact is that THAT is how i'm wired.

now, remember all those devastating emotions i felt when Jonathan Horrell showed me he was NOT a man's man after all, but rather a man with the emotional maturity of a sperm and egg that have not even connected yet? well, that all took place in ONE MORNING. really! at 5 o'clock in the afternoon i went to visit Juri and we sat speaking crap for a few hours and, when i got into my car i was fine! like a video game that had been reset. it was as if someone had pressed the 'iloveyouiloveyounot' button in my brain and rebooted me. honestly! yesterday i woke up, blinked, shook my head and frisked myself to see if i was still alive. i was. except i was slightly different in one tiny way. i could not locate one SINGLE SHRED of emotion attached to, and could trace only a half a hardly-visible memory of Jonathan Horrell.

amazing.

i LOVE falling in love because it's unlike any drug in the WORLD in the way that it makes you higher than highest snowflake on the top of Mount Everest.

plus, i'm not hard-hearted. i always give someone the benefit of the doubt, giving them the space to prove to me that they are indeed as wonderful as they initially appeared to be, forever. and FYI, i always put in 110% of MYSELF as well. i give it all. the only difference is, at the first sign of a speed-wobble, i can hook reverse from 6th without having to gear down! no ABS necessary.

i have to add another little factoid here, in that unlike other cerebral activities that deteriorate with age, my 'iloveyouiloveyounot' ability is in fact exponentially growing more POWERFUL! instead of unlocking the door and letting guys familiarize themselves with the environment and make themselves at home, i seem to have removed their key-privileges before they've had time to sit down and have a cup of tea!

i suppose you're wondering how i'm going to respond when i see Jonathan in the gym again. well, it's going to go down something like this: i'm going to blow in as usual like a storm in monsoon season, with everybody 'HELLO SANDY'ing me, and, as always there'll be lots of hugs and jokes and laughter and teasing going on. THEN i'm going to let my eyes fall on him like an iron ball lodging into its hole inside a pinball machine, and i'm gonna say, "Ugh, YOU?! gimme a break i can't deal with you right now. be grateful because you've now got time to go and construct your first sentence to me with extreme care. use this rare opportunity wisely. oh, and FYI, "Apologize" (our song), is one word you shouldn't bother wasting on me because i don't give a shit anymore." then i'm going to roll my big brown eyes SO FAR BACK into the back of my skull that i won't be satisfied until i hear a grinding noise in my ears. and THEN i'm going to look straight past him directly into the baby blue eyes of Bryan - who called me this morning for coffee and now we're off to the beach.

see? there you have it! a live demonstration of my iloveyouiloveyounot switch in action for all of you to witness!

quite other-worldly isn't it?

ok, so i may never be able to sustain a this-worldly relationship, but let me tell you, i'm really REALLY grateful that the switch in my head is not "Autopilot". or "Cruise Control".