NO PILL FOR HEARTBREAK.

all relationships must run their course, everything ends, and it's a brave and painful step when you realize it's time to let go and move on with your life, alone.

they say it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.

i say it's better to have loved and CARRIED ON loving and NOT to have lost, at all.

at the end of every rainbow is actually a cemetery. every cloud contains rain. and every oasis is in fact a mirage.

anyway, now that i'm strong enough to articulate my thoughts, here's what pulled the table-cloth out from under my plate yesterday:

i've always been able to rely on Voltaren, it's been a loyal and trustworthy partner for many years. it's only ever wanted to see me happy, relaxed and pain-free. never needy. and never asking anything in return.

or so i thought.

why is it that when one opens one's heart and lets their guard down, the first thing they receive is a bullet in the chest?

can love be SO BLIND that we see chocolate sprinkle-spread, which in reality is actually a swarm of army ants?

as you might've read, my world has changed color recently - from normal to psychadelic - which i suppose is a change and spices things up a little in an otherwise average day but hey, blue food just doesn't somehow taste the same. it was fun in the beginning but the novelty eventually wore thin.

before i went to see my doctor yesterday, i injected myself with a dose of Voltaren - i'd hurt my back recently so i didn't want to be in pain and so be distracted from the case at hand. i knew Voltaren would be there for me and never let me down, like an ungrateful boyfriend. or a Capetonian. or - the WORST - an older brother.

so off i went, the pages of my mind open, ready to be read.

anyway, while we were still sitting there making idle chit-chat, i remarked how volatile lithium levels can be and how sensitive they were to so many things.

"yes!" he replied, "like say, anti-inflammatories for example."

stunned silence.

"say whaaaat...", my voice trailed off as if it had been swallowed by a black-hole, disappearing into infinity and beyond.

"anti-inflammatories," he repeated, "you know, like Voltaren (sharp intake of air), that type of thing. very bad."

"but i... what...WHY?! HOW?!" my volume quickly recovered.

"oh jaaa," he said, as if the teller at the Spar could've told me such a commonly known little factoid, "that combined with heavy cardio, dehydration, ha! lethal combination."

lithium was a salt. i remembered Raymond telling me this in the BEGINNING but i'd been through so much since then that who could've remembered.

i didn't ask him to go any further. i was too devastated to have retained anything he would've said after THAT so i took it on the chin right there and held myself together just long enough so i could break down when i got home in the company of myself so i wouldn't look weak and pathetic.

in hindsight, had i not been such an emotional wretch, i should've told him to haul out his prescription pad right there and then like i NORMALLY would've done and give me something else. at least while i was on the REBOUND anyway.

but here i sit today. my back is aching. the physio's just a plain old pain in the, well BACK i guess. i hate them. and i think they're just sad medical-school drop-outs who can at least call themselves a fancy doctor-ish sounding name while all they REALLY do is rub you a bit, and the hardest thing they're allowed to prescribe is 'rest'. Ugh!!!

but not only am i in physical pain i am heart-broken and sad. i've been rude and short to the most undeserving people ALL DAY. in fact, i was saying to Jonathan that if Mother Theresa had've offered me water in the desert today i would probably have snapped at her for taking her damn sweet time about it. (you SEE how you make me act when you wound me!). there's a hole in my life SO HUGE it makes the void of deep-space appear FULL by comparison. all this time i'd been laying my trust with total abandon in my loyal and steadfast rock-like companion Voltaren, while behind my back it had actually been HURTING me and was NOT interested in my safety and well-being ALL ALONG!

i felt so used and betrayed. i felt as if i would never open my heart and trust again. i wished it would just go away so i could move on and pretend like the whole thing had never happened in the first place. but i was stuck with it INSIDE MY BRAIN until IT was good and ready to leave!

i'd love to stick my head in the sand, block my ears and go "la la laaah..." until it has gone, but this morning when Jonathan and i were training legs, the floor was sliding around underneath my feet like an escalator combined with an op-art painting. it made me very angry and i actually let it ruin my WHOLE DAY. which i will never allow to happen again because it simply is not worth the energy. i know the letters on this screen are really black, and will appear that way very soon again. and it doesn't bother me ONE BIT FYI.

now listen up! it's OVER Voltaren oKAY! there's the bin, take your shit and close the lid behind you! your key-privileges have been REMOVED. go find yourself another poor lithium-deficient schizo-affective head-case to chemically drain for another ten years.

i'm NEVER going to fall so hard again and i'm going to research future prospects more carefully before i let them in. they'll have to PROVE their worth to me and i'm keeping my options open unil the right one comes along. and THAT'S my final answer.

so, with that all cleared up then, i'm just going to take two of these schedule five 750mg Robaxin muscle relaxants, go to bed and tomorrow i can wake up fresh and get on with my life.