THE PAPER DOLL IS ME.

ah what's wrong with me - don't state the obvious now ok? that's a cheap shot.

why at the age of 41 do i still allow people into my heart when i know everything that i know?

i see poison yet i open my veins.

i know all too well that the higher i get lifted, the bigger the red splat on the pavement down below will be. so sad. isn't it.

i could feel this happening. yet i went with it anyway. do i hate myself that much?

no i don't. i know that loving another person is the highest point of the experience of a human life. and receiving the opposite the lowest. by far.

i realize that i spoil people, and so end up spoiling them for myself. but that's me. and it's not wrong. i hope i never lose that quality in myself actually. the way that i believe people to be the full 100% FIRST and then, well then i guess i'm set for a whole lot of disappointments as i bump and crash my way down the mountain like a stone in an avalanche, ending up as a shattered pile of dust when i finally hit the bottom.

still i don't want to harden my heart. and i wish people would stop trying to harden it FOR me. because it's difficult to keep a door open when gale force storms keep slamming it shut.

i'm wounded as i'm typing these words. and big fat tears full of misery are splashing down onto my legs.

Jonathan Horrell has not spoken to me since yesterday morning. he hasn't responded to a single sms or answered my calls. it's like he's been whisked off the face of the earth by beings from another world. how could they not consider my feelings before they did that?! really, if i didn't know any better i'd think he was dead. because that's how it feels to me. like somebody has died. sadly however, i DO know better, well please God i THINK i do, and he's not the man's man i'd thought he was after all. yes i'm hurt, but sadly not surprised.

i'd try to wrap my head around how a person could blow as hot as the fires of, well Hell as it turns out, and then inhale that same breathe leaving the black vaccuum of deep space in its place. i really would give it a try had i not known that the most powerful minds in human existence had already struggled with matters of the blistered and tortured heart since, well, since the history of the sentient mind, and come up with nothing.

ah maaaan, i'd SO rather have a broken leg than a broken heart.

what have i done to deserve this God? don't answer that, i'm sure you've got plenty on me.