LET THEM EAT ROADKILL.

yesterday i was crossing my street, which was really busy so i had to work my way across quickly no time to ponder on anything else other than where to place my next step. but, half way across i felt my Schwarovsky crystal Havaiana sort of squelch and slip underneath my foot. i had, at most, a fraction of a second to glance down. however, what i saw down there made me freeze dead in my tracks. i was welded to the spot. cars hooted and swerved but they vanished into the background as i tried to absorb the image of the carcass of the biggest rat i've ever seen in my living memory! do rats come in that size?! it was such a stunning spectacle that i also forgot about the trauma to my poor Havaiana, which is simply too delicate to handle such a thing.

i turned, eyes still glued to the rat and slowly backed up onto the pavement.

then i remembered to blink. and inhale. and i finally moved on.

wow my mind was spinning. i didn't know whether to swop to feeling grossed out sick or remain dazed and confused in my trance-like state. it was a hectic thing to see i'm telling you and it's something i won't forget in a hurry. i'd tell my grandchildren about it one day. in fact, i might have to HAVE kids so i can tell my grandkids!

i quickly got Woolworths behind me and started back. that day, for the first time since i've been in Cape Town, the taxi loads full of colored half-ape half-human-like entities hanging out of the windows whooping and whistling at me failed to curdle the blood coursing through my veins.

(pause. why do they do that? are they drunk from first thing in the morning every day of the week or are they just mentally retarded and belong on an island far away in the middle of the ocean. that island where we do all our testing for our nuclear weapons of mass destruction.)

anyway i couldn't hear them as my mind was zoned in on that rat of which i was now going to take a closer inspection.

wow. DOUBLE wow. wow-drifting-off-into-the-blackness-of-deep-space-into-infinity-and-beyond.

i stared at it lying there. i was mesmerized. where could it have come from and how could it have grown so huge? i looked up at the storm water drain. i looked up some more. and there it was, the home, the nest, the MOTHERSHIP of the teenage mutant ninja rats: La Perla restaurant!

i scanned the pavement, now with a smirk on my face, at the Masarati (sorry Gary but these are the people that drive your cars) parked on the pavement. and in front of him a Porsche, next to him a Ferarri, a Merc, BMW M3, Shelby Cobra, Black Lambo... disappearing off into deep space infinity (i wish).

boy was i happy! these vainglorious ass-holes gather here like, EVERY DAY and throw condescending looks at ME (don't they know who i AM) while they're eating nuclear fall-out rat shit! it was fantastic! would they continue to come here if they served cornflakes and sour milk? or no food at all? just to be seen by each other? looking at the passing traffic going, "well we're US and YOU'RE NOT!". they probably would because diamond studded Versace blinkers have been surgically attatched to their faces. by Dr. Saul Braun i'm sure.

is it possible that we can become so infatuated with ourselves that we can hardly see further than the surfaces of our own eyeballs?

SO, listen up you lot down at La Perla, i hate you, i want you to go away. but more than that please take your vermin from Ripley's elsewhere. i still have a few good years left in me and i'd prefer to spend them lying on the beach rather than lying in quarantine at a state hospital where they'll be running tests on me till i'm like, 75!